Space Bound
by AlmostAsylum
Summary: They say that which will not kill you, only makes you stronger. If that's true, I must be invincible.


"_And love is evil, spell it backwards, I'll show ya." –Eminem_

_Space Bound_, _Eminem_

Ever had that feeling, when you love something so much, it _hurts_ to love.

_We touch, I feel a rush, we clutch, it isn't much  
But it's enough to make me wonder what's in store for us._

That's what loving Katniss is like. It _hurts _to love her.

Loving her is like, agony, pure, concentrated agony.

_It's lust, it's torturous, you must be a sorceress, cuz you just  
Did the impossible; gained my trust._

My heart wrenches whenever I'm away from her and it constricts and explodes into tiny little pieces when I'm with her.

And every time, I have to pick up those little pieces and fit them back together again, tediously look over each piece and glue and tape and staple until my fingers are raw and stuck together.

_Don't play games it'll be dangerous  
If you fuck me over, cuz if I get burnt  
Ima show you what it's like to hurt  
Cuz I been treated like dirt before ya_

I think I finally ran out of glue. And tape. And staples.

Because she was always with _him_, ever since the Games, she had been with _him. _Even when she was with me, she was with _him_.

_And love is evil, spell it backwards I'll show ya_

That's when I began seeing the little pieces she'd chipped off: the little shred from when we met. The splinter from the brave mask she was forced to put on at her first Reaping. The tatters from when I saw the anguish on her face whenever I brought up her family. The little shaving from when she volunteered. That's when I tried to begin rebuilding the heart she tossed around and played with and _shot_ daily.

_Nobody knows me, I'm cold, walk down this road all alone  
It's no one's fault but my own. it's the path I've chosen to go_

Even the fact that I _tried _seemed laughable. Every time I put one piece back, another piece fell apart and shattered on the ground.

_Frozen as snow, I show no emotion whatsoever so  
Don't ask me why I have no love for these mo'fuckin' hoes_

Then I picked that part up and bundled it together and hoped and prayed that Katniss would take pity on me before I pieced that back together again.

And then the next piece would slide off and break.

_Blood suckin' succubuses, what the fuck is up with this  
I've tried in this department but I ain't have no luck with this._

My glue and tape and stapes were our _memories_, the ones we made in the woods, when we were free of the Capitol, when _they_ couldn't touch _us_ because _we_ were on top of the world when we were together.

_It sucks, but it's exactly what I thought it would be like tryin' to start over  
I got a hole in my heart, some kind of emotional roller coaster._

Now, when I look back on all our times in the woods, I picture _him_ next to us. Inept, heavy, loud, asinine him, scaring off the game and starving our families. He tainted the glue, threw away that tape and stepped on those staples.

And she helped him.

_Something I won't go till you toy with my emotions so it's over_

She let him in to those memories, and showed him the way, and _cheered him on_ as he stepped all over the memories. I know it's wrong to blame her for something she didn't realize she was doing, but she blamed me for something I would've rather _died and burned in hell_ than done.

_It's like an explosion, every time I hold ya I wasn't joking when I told ya  
You take my breath away, you're a supernova, and I'mma…_

But because she's Katniss and because I'm Gale, it's hard _not_ to see why she hates me. And I hate myself for it. I keep telling myself, Coin sent her there, Coin sent the bomb, _Coin killed her_.

But trying to ease my onus is futile.

_I'm a space bound rocket ship and your hearts the moon  
And I'm aiming right at you, right at you  
Two hundred fifty thousand miles on a clear night in June  
And I'm aiming right at you, right at you, right at you._

I left her, tried to forget, because the thought of her hating me was too much to bear.

Sometimes, I do forget, some days it's alright, some days I can get out of bed and not loathe this district for not having _her_ in it.

Sometimes, I can't forget. I can't stop seeing the look on her face the last time I spoke to her. When I gave her that arrow. I try to drown myself in work those days, rebuilding the districts, re-planning entire divisions. Sometimes, this helps.

_I'll do whatever it takes, when I'm with you I get the shakes  
My body aches, when I ain't with you I have zero strength._

Most of the time, it doesn't.

Most of the time, I drink.

I finally understand that old drunk Haymitch. The alcohol numbs, deadens, freezes, for however long, and the pain in the morning is enough to take to forget.

_There's no limit on how far I would go, no boundaries, no lengths  
Why do we say that until we get that person that we thinks  
Gonna be that one, then once we get them it's never the same_

But then comes with recollection of _why_ I have it.

_You want them when they don't want you, Soon as they do feelings change  
It's not a contest and I ain't on no conquest for no mate  
I wasn't looking when I stumbled on to you, musta been fate_

The hangover is the bearable part. What makes it unendurable is the memories; the memories of Katniss and I in the woods, disarrayed by the thought of Katniss and _him_.

In their house, in that District, next to _our _woods.

_But so much is at stake, what the fuck does it take?  
Let's cut to the chase, before the door shuts in your face  
Promise me if I cave in and break  
And leave myself open that I won't be makin' a mistake  
Cuz I'mma…_

I'd take a hangover, any day, every day, _all_ day if I never thought about _her_ again.

_I'm a space bound rocket ship and your hearts the moon  
And I'm aiming right at you, right at you  
Two hundred fifty thousand miles on a clear night in June  
And I'm aiming right at you, right at you, right at you_

I'd drink myself into oblivion if I didn't need _the money_ to drink myself into oblivion.

Haymitch had the money to do that, and—however vile the _old_ me would've thought this was—I envy him for it. He has the time to destroy himself while I have to _live_ with it.

_So after a year and six months, it's no longer me that you want  
But I love you so much it hurts, never mistreated you once_

I destroy myself at home but pick up the pieces and hold them together with cloth when I have to leave.

_I poured my heart out to you, let down my guard, swear to God  
I blow my brains in your lap, lay here and die in your arms_

The cloth is tattered and shredded and torn and little pieces of me fall out and get left behind on the sidewalk, ready for everyone to step on.

_Drop to my knees and I'm bleedin, I'm tryna stop you from leavin'  
You won't even listen so fuck it, I'm tryna stop you from breathin'_

Those little pieces are lost forever, and those little pieces had been _me_.

_I put both hands on your throat, I sit on top of you squeazin'  
Til I snap your neck like a popsicle stick, ain't no possible reason  
I can think of to let you walk up out this house and let you live._

I'm gone, I've been trampled on, driven over, shot at, and _lost_. And I'm finally _gone_.

_Tears stream down both of my cheeks now I let you go and just give  
And before I put that gun to my temple I told you this…_

Every time I think I'm back, every time I'm on the _road_ back, I remember her; she invades my dreams, haunts my nightmares, she breaks me all over again.

_And I woulda did anything for you  
To show you how much I adored you  
But it's over now, it's too late to save our love  
Just promise me you'll think of me every time you look up in the sky and see a star cuz Imma…_

And now the pieces are too broken, _too shattered,_ to put back together again. But every day I try, and I tell myself it'll get better tomorrow, I'll be fine tomorrow. I'll _find myself_ tomorrow. But I know I'm lying. I know lying to myself is the only thing keeping those shattered pieces together, lodged in my chest, between my lungs where the pieces get caught and stop me from breathing because _it hurts too much._

_I'm a space bound rocket ship and your hearts the moon  
And I'm aiming right at you, right at you  
Two hundred and thousand miles on a clear night in June  
And I'm so lost without you, without you, without you_


End file.
